Although the universality of basic human emotions has been recognized i, the role, function, and importance of emotional intelligence are often undermined. Emotional Intelligence is a social skill that can help you become more aware and tactful in understanding handling your own emotions as well as the emotions of others.
The least-honored–and most powerful path to self-love
Ken Page L.C.S.W. Ken Page L.C.S.W.
“The great psychoanalytic theorist Donald Winnicot said, “Only the true self can be creative and only the true self can feel real.” I would add that only the true self can bear the risk of deep intimacy.
Every time we face the choice to share our deeper self, we stand at a precipice. Often, it’s just too scary to take the step forward.
Imagine taking a pet you love and putting it in a yard with an invisible electric fence. When it moves outside its allowed space, it gets stunned by an unexpected shock. It will only take a few jolts before your pet gets the message: if it goes too far, punishment will be instantaneous. In a short period of time, your pet won’t act as if the borders even exist; it will simply avoid them. If pushed closer to the danger zone, it will exhibit increasing signs of anxiety. The world outside the fence just isn’t worth the pain.
Now imagine turning off the charge from the invisible fence, and then placing a bowl of food outside its perimeter. Your pet might be starving, but it will still be terrified to enter into the newly free space. And when it finally crosses the line, it does so with trembling; anticipating the pain of new shocks. It is the same with us; even though we yearn for the freedom of our true self, some deep reflexive instinct still tries to protect us from being hurt again.”
Is your gym locker room crawling with drug-resistant bacteria? Is the guy with the bulging backpack a suicide bomber? And what about that innocent-looking arugula: Will pesticide residue cause cancer, or do the leaves themselves harbor E. coli? But wait! Not eating enough vegetables is also potentially deadly.
When I took a class in college called decision making, it really changed my mind about how important it is to make decisions in our lives because for every decision their is a consequence…BUT…there is an intellectual side to us and then there is a more impulsive instant gratification side to us…TODAY…I realize the difference…and am fully aware that we as individuals can be very smart BUT also very impulsive which can make us very mindless instead of mindful when making decisions…not making a decision is a decision because not making a decision has a consequence…the goal is to start and continue making mindful choices because when you make mindless choices you get consequences the smart mindful you does not want…
I believe that we all can get into a state that I call “fuck it mode” (please excuse my language) where we feel crappy or are not motivated and just continue in this downward spiral…Why? Well if you eat the doughnut and feel fat you – you say “fuck it” i’m going to eat another doughnut…what difference does it make? you say to yourself…your in debt and you know you can’t afford something and you say “fuck it” I’m already in debt so why not?…It goes back to the pain or pleasure principle where we seek pleasure over the pain…so how do we change? Below are some things that help me but require me to really focus (disclaimer – sooooo not easy to be mindful sometimes)
1. Recognizing you have an issue
2. Feeling enough pain to change the issue at hand
3. Support (people that don’t put you down and are compassionate – that don’t make you feel crazy)
4. Baby steps (don’t overwhelm yourself with trying to fix an issue/habit that took a while to acquire overnight)
5. Learn about the issue or go to a professional that knows more about the subject you are trying to fix
6. Learn from others – if you know of someone that has what you want – learn from them or read about them – they can serve as a mentor to you
7. Be mindful about everything – when we are mindless it is so easy to make poor decisions – let me repeat this – when we are mindless it is soooooo easy to make poor decisions – we need to start paying attention to all areas of our lives and this is soooooooo not easy – and we need to pay attention to the consequence of each decision we make
8. Focus on you – when we are too concerned about others we neglect ourselves – this means anyone that is in your life – when you take care of you – you can take care of others a whole lot better
9. Running or avoiding is sooooo easy and feels so good if you are used to this way of dealing with issues – again being mindful will allow you to recognize running or avoiding patterns or your coping mechanisms
10. Don’t get defensive – it is extremely easy to get defensive when you don’t want to talk about your issues because nobody and I mean nobody wants to feel crazy but only through constructive critism can we develop – so sometimes as hard as this is…we need to listen
That’s all I got for now but i hope this reaches at least one person…I believe all of the things I have been through and am going through happen to me for a reason…I believe the reason is to help others through my journey of self discovery and self improvement…remember life is a journey not a destination…
It isn’t easy to find your “authentic self”. When you have experiences that have hurt you and caused you pain, it is not easy to just forget them. When you were yourself and that wasn’t good enough, you change. You start acting different because you may be trying to protect yourself from that pain you felt in the past.
It takes determination and practice to focus on the self. Life will teach us along the way if we are not being true to ourselves. You will feel forced and it will cause as Dr. Phil says an imbalance.
Now I’m not saying it is easy because I know that in order for me to be true to myself I have to constantly be hyperaware of what i’m feeling and how i’m acting. If I feel uncomfortable in a situation, I need to question whether I want to be there or not.
After being hurt, I created the thickest walls imaginable which helped protect me, at least I thought. It was very hard for me to let anyone in and to trust. I’m still a work in progress but I am very aware of how my thick walls have alienated me at times. I am so thankful to those that are around me that have had patience with me.
Getting to know ourselves and improving areas of our lives that we tend to avoid, is part of our development. It is easy to get distracted with other things when we are trying to ignore or avoid our own weaknesses in certain areas. We can obsess over a hobby or become a workaholic or even create bad habits that help us distract ourselves from our issues. In addition, sometimes we focus so much on other people’s issues so that we don’t focus on our very own issues.
We have to get real good at embracing those areas in our lives where we are weak and need to develop more.
I recognize that when I feel uncomfortable with a situation, I run. I run by making some excuse as to why I don’t want to do something. I even justify my reasoning to avoid it. It is the story I tell myself which is all part of my protection. It is my brains way of saying “you felt pain or got hurt in the past by putting yourself in a situation that was similar so let’s avoid it”. The only problem is that the more we avoid situations where we are uncomfortable, the more underdeveloped we are in those areas.
My goal and my journey is to develop my weak areas. Those areas that I avoid. To not be in denial of my issues and to go head on to improve them.
Join me in this journey if you feel the same.
“Your life has a root core that, once understood, unlocks a powerful force to create the life you want. Key questions and an amazingly clear “map” are now at your fingertips so you can “live by design”.
In this groundbreaking work, Dr. Phil challenges you to find your “authentic self”: that person you have always wanted to be, but were too distracted, busy, or scared to become. Instead, you have created a “fictional self”, taking on the identity of who you believe you are supposed be. The incongruence between these two selves is what leads you to feel that your life is incomplete, unbalanced, and more difficult than it should be.
In Self Matters, Dr. Phil helps you to demystify your self-concept and learn how to reclaim your authentic self. You can learn to think beyond the excuses and fears that have masked the person you want to be. By facing the cards life has dealt you, you can relearn how to best react to them.
Self Matters is one of the most forward-thinking works on self-concept and self-esteem ever published. We get only one chance in this world. Dr. Phil tells us all how to make the most of it.” (audible.com)
I studied Emotional Intelligence (EI) years ago and I was interested in the topic. We hear a lot about Intelligence Quotient (IQ) but not as much about Emotional Intelligence (EI).
In the workplace and in real life we do need these skill sets to work with others. Some companies value these skills and are training their employees in these skills but there are others that just simply don’t get it.
In real life, Emotional Intelligence is critical in my opinion because people sometimes don’t say what they really feel inside and portray to the outside world. It takes a lot for someone to truly open up and feel comfortable to express their inner emotions. When you know there is something wrong with someone or something is happening in their lives, it is critical to help guide them. It takes extra effort but totally worth it because people cannot function when they are distressed.
To me the best leaders have high levels of both EI and IQ. They are not fake, they are genuine. The higher the corporate ladder the more I believe they need to have high levels of EI. This is not the case in a lot of companies and that is why employee morale is low. As Daniel Goleman states, Jack Welch (former CEO and Chairman of GE) instituted a program that bullies would no longer be tolerated at General Electric. The leaders set the tone for their team – it all cascades down. If the organization has a great culture but there are two or three or more bosses that have no clue how to work with people, this could really affect how those teams perform.
He talks about the Peter Principle and how managers should be promoted based on their current competencies as a manager instead of managers getting promoted that have no interpersonal skills and are wrongly promoted.
Being in marketing for years, the way employees work with customers and interact with them is part of the brand. If your employees are rude to your customers because they are not happy with how their boss is treating them it will affect the company’s brand. It is all a Domino effect.
Daniel Goleman talks about these areas of Emotional Intelligence:
Managing Your Emotions
an intelligence test score that is obtained by dividing mental age, which reflects the age-graded level of performance as derived from population norms, by chronological age and multiplying by 100: a score of 100 thus indicates a performance at exactly the normal level for that age group.
Abbreviation: IQ.” (Dictionary.com)
skill in perceiving, understanding, and managing emotions and feelings.
Abbreviation: EI.” (Dictionary.com)
“Tired of running the rat race in a job you don’t enjoy? Wondering which career is best matched to you? Try a Career Personality & Aptitude Test. This tool is designed to assess your interests, values, and preferences surrounding your career. It will offer you an interesting look at yourself, providing information about what motivates and interests you. In addition, it will provide suggestions of particular careers that are well-suited to you, along with some information about these careers.
Carefully read every question and select the response that best applies to you. You will need to select an answer for every question.
After finishing the test, you will receive one of your career matches. You will then have the option to purchase the full results.” (PsychologyToday.com)
Many people question whether school is for them or not and for some they are right, school is not for them.
I wanted to share my experience.
Both of my parents never graduated from college and for them it was very important for my sister and I to get a great education. I remember how my mom used to drive us to school to ensure we went and how i hated the brown beat up car she drove us in. We didn’t have a lot of money but since my mom was a housewife, she gave us so much attention and took really good care of us.
I don’t remember my childhood very well but I do remember being in high school and taking an FBLA class (Future Business Leaders of America) and how this class shaped my interest in Marketing. I went to Newtown High School in Queens NY and was part of the business institute. Being part of the business institute definitely helped me decided to focus on business yet I had this real passion for Psychology. My last year of High School I was allowed to take a College Now course to advance my credits for college. I took Psychology 101. Psychology was amazing!!! The only problem was that I was afraid of it. I already had my own teenage issues and studying Psychology just made me think more. I studied Freud, Jung, Pavlov and they all had theories. I spent days and nights studying with a passion I can’t explain with words. I just loved it. I got an award for that class.
So I graduated and now what? College? Ugh what do I want to study? I was so confused. I mean I knew I wanted to study Psychology because I studied the mind without being asked to. I would just study self help/ self development books as a hobby.
My older sister went for fashion as a major and since I was confused, I took the easy route and chose fashion too. Boy was I wrong. I hated fashion. I thought because I liked shopping I would love fashion. BORING!!! I was sitting in a textiles class and all i could think was how different this was to studying the mind. I wanted something more meaningful something more me. I was a C student.
I took a group dynamics class and was the leader of a group presentation. I chose the topic about personality and careers because I was going through this issue at the time of not knowing what i wanted. I remember crying to my dad frustrated because I had already paid for the classes and was doing so bad. I felt frustrated. Through my frustration I learned a lesson. I learned to listen to who I was instead of ignoring who I was. For my project I took out a few books from the library like Myer Briggs Type Indicator or Personality Test which talked about Introvert and Extrovert personalities.
I took a personality assessment test http://psychologytoday.tests.psychtests.com/take_test.php?idRegTest=3242 and it helped me ask myself what i liked. I’m not sure if this was the exact one I took but it was similar. I narrowed down that I loved Psychology and loved business. I started thinking and since Marketing was around consumer behavior and knew i took a class in High School I really liked I decided to go for it.
When i changed my major to Marketing it was like night and day. I was a straight A student. I just loved each class. It was amazing to see the difference.
After I graduated and got my BBA (Bachelors of Business Administration) I worked for a few years and decided (with the help of my mom reminding me that I wanted this) that I needed to learn more about business so instead of just focusing on Marketing I focused on all of business. I got my MBA (Masters of Business Administration) which was super hard but worth it.
After getting my Masters, I felt more confident in the workplace because I felt that I acquired the education and skills I needed to get to the next level of my career.
Getting your MBA isn’t everything but I am happy that I was able to get it because I can rely on my own skills. My education was an investment on myself and it was the best gift I could have ever given me.
I think that my purpose was always more about the mind but I needed all the education, skills and experience to bring it all together.
Health and wellness information including aging, stress, women’s health, nutrition, sleep, and more at SheKnows.com. Whether a loved one has recently experienced trauma or has been suffering from PTSD for years, she may have trouble maintaining or establishing close relationships. The symptoms of PTSD can interfere with trust, emotional closeness, communication, responsible assertiveness and effective problem solving.
Dissociation is described as: 1. The splitting off of a group of mental processes from the main body of consciousness, as in amnesia. 2. The act of separating or state of being separated. 3. The separation into two or more fragments.
Dissociation is a phenomenon most people have the capacity to experience. It is a coping mechanism used to manage stressors as minor as over-stimulation or as severe as sexual abuse. As a way of coping, dissociation occurs when the brain compartmentalizes traumatic experiences to keep people from feeling too much pain, be it physical, emotional, or both.
Almost everyone is familiar with the fight-flight response-your reaction to a stimulus perceived as an imminent threat to your survival. However, less well-known is the fight-flight-freeze response, which adds a crucial dimension to how you’re likely to react when the situation confronting you overwhelms your coping capacities and leaves you paralyzed in fear.
Few subjects in psychiatry elicit more profound, visceral, and polarized reactions than incest-the occurrence of sexual behaviors between closely related individuals-behaviors that violate society’s most sacred and guarded taboos.
“Sgroi and colleagues15 have described a 5-stage process in the sexual mistreatment of children.
In stage 1, engagement, the child is brought into a more intense relationship with the perpetrator. He or she becomes involved in more intense and gradually sexualized behaviors via special attention that engages the child’s emotional needs en route to sexual behaviors that may be normalized and introduced gradually as games or as activities that clearly bring the child desired attention. Some perpetrators use violence or threats to coerce sexual engagement.
In stage 2, the sexual interaction phase, the perpetrator builds on the preliminary grooming of the victim, and the initial sexual involvements escalate, often progressing from exposure and touching to the penetration of one or more orifices.
In stage 3, secrecy, efforts are made to ensure privacy, to reduce the victim’s understanding of the abuser’s accountability, and to set the stage for ongoing sexual activity. The child is made to feel responsible and to understand that revelation would have very bad consequences. This “understanding” involves threats of harm to the child or others. Threats include loss of attachment (because the child will be seen as bad by others or would lose the affection of the perpetrator and others); being told that the child would not be believed; being assured that the child really wanted what was done; being told the child will be rejected by God for not honoring his father, etc. The child often emerges from this brainwashing with profound self-loathing, convinced that he or she is evil, and that any revelation would only confirm his or her badness, and guarantee rejection.
In stage 4, disclosure, the secret gets out, either spontaneously, accidentally, or deliberately. The reaction of concerned others is more likely to be determined by the perpetrator’s role in the family, family loyalty, and shame than by the best interests of the child. Families tend to be most protective of the child when the perpetrator is not a parent or a sibling. Not uncommonly, the family becomes protective and defensive in its anxiety and moves to disavow the severity of the offense and its sequelae and to blame the victim and any authorities or professionals who become involved.
Adopting a shame script of denial toward the acts of the perpetrator, who is defended as “one of their own,” and a shame script of “attack other” toward those seen as shaming the family, the family becomes adversarial toward the victim and involved agencies, authorities, and professionals.16 Reasonable understanding of the world is turned upside down. Good becomes redefined as what is most likely to preserve the good name of the perpetrator and the family. Bad is redefined as what might acknowledge and shine an unfavorable light on what has transpired. The loyalty conflicts in which the victim is placed are terrible and can prove more traumatic than the incest itself.
In stage 5, suppression, the community of concerned individuals within and associated with the family moves to suppress the veracity of the child’s report, minimizing both the severity of the mistreatment and its consequences. The group does not want to deal with the consequences of the ugly truth and are eager to avoid the shame and inconvenience of dealing with agencies and professionals. Individuals may actively try to discredit the child or pressure him to recant accusations.
Summit17 summarized many of the adaptations made by victims of incest in his article “The child sexual abuse accommodation syndrome.” He described the secrecy that surrounded the abuse; the helplessness and powerlessness of the victims; their entrapment in a terrible situation and their accommodation to it; their delayed, conflicted, and unconvincing disclosure of their circumstances; and the likelihood of retraction. With painful irony, their adaptation to the abuse they cannot avoid leads to behaviors that undermine their credibility if they later complain about their circumstances.”
Sexual abuse leaves many scars, creating feelings of guilt, anger, and fear that haunt survivors throughout their lives. Adults who have undergone sexual abuse as children commonly experience depression and insomnia. High levels of anxiety in these adults can result in self-destructive behaviors, such as alcoholism or drug abuse, anxiety attacks, and situation-specific anxiety disorders.
“When you change your personal energy frequency you literally start to change your life. Christie Sheldon has personally raised the abundance frequencies of over 25,000 people resulting in hundreds of thousands of dollars in NEW abundance for them. And she’s identified 24 common abundance blocks that are stopping people from enjoying the abundance they deserve. Join our free Masterclass with Christie Sheldon here.
Christie Marie Sheldon is the author of Unlimited Abundance and Love and Above and is one of the world’s leading energy healers and experts on intuition. For more information on these courses and Consciousness Engineering with Christie visit: www.mindvalleyacademy.com
This talk was filmed at Afest, a global non-profit, transformational event that brings together people who are driven to change the world– entrepreneurs, authors, technophiles, mavericks, artists and visionaries alike. Like being at a festival that merges Burning Man, TED and an exotic vacation, you’ll get to dance the night (and day) away at incredible parties, go on breathtaking excursions, form life long friends and connections and learn how to take your life to the next level both personally and professionally. And it all happens in a paradise location. ” (Youtube.com)
English PDF | More Fact Sheets Our experiences in childhood play a big part in shaping our health and well-being throughout our lives. Sexual abuse in childhood can leave scars that can last for a long time. But many cases are never reported. Some people feel very scared about reporting abuse.
Great article worth reading…
“How does childhood sexual abuse affect adult well-being?
Childhood sexual abuse can have a wide range of effects in adulthood. Some adult survivors experience few mental health problems, while others experience many mental health problems. Abuse is a kind of trauma. Trauma is a situation that’s shocking, intense and distressing. The effects of trauma include a complicated mix of factors, such as:
The amount of any kind of trauma you previously experienced
The severity of the trauma
How close you were to the person who abused you
How long the abuse lasted
How people you trusted reacted to the abuse, if you told them—did they believe you and support you or dismiss you?10
Here are some of the ways that experiences of childhood sexual abuse can affect well-being:
Trust—Abuse may impair your sense that the world is a safe place and impair your ability to trust others. This may be particularly difficult if you had a close relationship with the abuser.11
Self-esteem—You may blame yourself for the abuse, even though it isn’t your fault. You may have a hard time feeling good about yourself or hopeful about your future.12
Coping with stress—You may have a lot of negative feelings, which may make it hard to cope with everyday stress.12
Impulsivity—Impulsivity means acting on urges before thinking through the consequences, which can lead to risky activities.12
Anger—You may have a hard time controlling your anger.12
Dissociation—With dissociation, your mind “separates” itself from painful events to protect itself. You may have a hard time remembering what happened, feel like the world around you isn’t real or feel like you aren’t connected to your body. It’s a common reaction to pain and fear.13
Self-harm—You may harm yourself, but not intend to end your life. It may be a way to cope with difficult thoughts or feelings.14
These are common reactions to trauma. But they can lead to problems when they affect the way you live your life. It’s important to get help if you are having a hard time coping with past trauma.
Other problems linked to childhood sexual abuse include:
Mental illness—Experiencing childhood sexual abuse does not mean that you will develop a mental illness, but it is one of many risk factors. People who experience childhood sexual abuse may have a higher risk of experiencing anxiety disorders (such as post-traumatic stress disorder),15 depression,16 eating disorders,16 dissociative disorders17 and personality disorders.18
Substance use problems—Survivors of childhood sexual abuse are at greater risk of developing problems with alcohol and other drugs19,20,21 and may be more likely to start using substances at a younger age.22,23,24,25 There may also be a link between your response to childhood sexual abuse (such as depression, low self-esteem or post-traumatic stress disorder) and the risk of experiencing problems with substances.19,21,26 Substances may be a way to cope with difficult experiences.19,21″
For years, I have re-arranged and cleaned my environment because I not only get bored but I want to free up my mind to produce. The only way I am able to be productive is to change my environment and to declutter.
I remember my friends at work would be like “Rosey are you changing your desk around again?!” and all I could think was that this is the only way to do it. Decluttering frees up your mind to be able to focus. I totally get this and live by this.
When I need to produce, I must change it up. I need to see a clean and clutter-free environment.
Read the entire article or read what i have captured below by Eric Doland.
“Researchers at the Princeton University Neuroscience Institute published the results of a study they conducted in the January issue of The Journal of Neuroscience that relates directly to uncluttered and organized living. From their report “Interactions of Top-Down and Bottom-Up Mechanisms in Human Visual Cortex”:
Multiple stimuli present in the visual field at the same time compete for neural representation by mutually suppressing their evoked activity throughout visual cortex, providing a neural correlate for the limited processing capacity of the visual system.
Or, to paraphrase in non-neuroscience jargon: When your environment is cluttered, the chaos restricts your ability to focus. The clutter also limits your brain’s ability to process information. Clutter makes you distracted and unable to process information as well as you do in an uncluttered, organized, and serene environment.
The clutter competes for your attention in the same way a toddler might stand next to you annoyingly repeating, “candy, candy, candy, candy, I want candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy …” Even though you might be able to focus a little, you’re still aware that a screaming toddler is also vying for your attention. The annoyance also wears down your mental resources and you’re more likely to become frustrated.”