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The Dance Between
Codependents & Narcissists

The Dance Between Codependents & Narcissists | World of Psychology

The inherently dysfunctional “codependency dance” requires two opposite but distinctly balanced partners: the pleaser/fixer (codependent) and the taker/controller (narcissist/addict). Codependents – who are giving, sacrificing, and consumed with the needs and desires of others – do not know how to emotionally disconnect or avoid romantic relationships with individuals who are narcissistic – individuals who are selfish, self-centered, controlling, and harmful to them.

“The inherently dysfunctional “codependency dance” requires two opposite but distinctly balanced partners: the pleaser/fixer (codependent) and the taker/controller (narcissist/addict).

Codependents — who are giving, sacrificing, and consumed with the needs and desires of others — do not know how to emotionally disconnect or avoid romantic relationships with individuals who are narcissistic — individuals who are selfish, self-centered, controlling, and harmful to them. Codependents habitually find themselves on a “dance floor” attracted to partners who are a perfect counter-match to their uniquely passive, submissive and acquiescent dance style.

As natural followers in their relationship dance, codependents are passive and accommodating dance partners. So how can they stop being such natural followers?

Codependents find narcissistic dance partners deeply appealing. They are perpetually attracted to their charm, boldness, confidence and domineering personality.

When codependents and narcissists pair up, the dancing experience sizzles with excitement — at least in the beginning. After many “songs,” the enthralling and thrilling dance experience predictably transforms into drama, conflict, feelings of neglect and being trapped. Even with chaos and conflict, neither of the two spellbound dancers dares to end their partnership. Despite the tumultuous and conflict-laden nature of their relationship, neither of these two opposite, but dysfunctionally compatible, dance partners feel compelled to sit the dance out.

When a codependent and narcissist come together in their relationship, their dance unfolds flawlessly: The narcissistic partner maintains the lead and the codependent follows. Their roles seem natural to them because they have actually been practicing them their whole lives. The codependent reflexively gives up their power; since the narcissist thrives on control and power, the dance is perfectly coordinated. No one gets their toes stepped on.

Typically, codependents give of themselves much more than their partners give back to them. As generous — but bitter — dance partners, they seem to be stuck on the dance floor, always waiting for the next song, at which time they naively hope that their narcissistic partner will finally understand their needs.

Codependents confuse caretaking and sacrifice with loyalty and love. Although they are proud of their unwavering dedication to the person they love, they end up feeling unappreciated and used. Codependents yearn to be loved, but because of their choice of dance partner, find their dreams unrealized. With the heartbreak of unfulfilled dreams, codependents silently and bitterly swallow their unhappiness.

Codependents are essentially stuck in a pattern of giving and sacrificing, without the possibility of ever receiving the same from their partner. They pretend to enjoy the dance, but really harbor feelings of anger, bitterness, and sadness for not taking an active role in their dance experience. They are convinced that they will never find a dance partner who will love them for who they are, as opposed to what they can do for them. Their low self-esteem and pessimism manifests itself into a form of learned helplessness that ultimately keeps them on the dance floor with their narcissistic partner.

The narcissist dancer, like the codependent, is attracted to a partner who feels perfect to them: Someone who lets them lead the dance while making them feel powerful, competent and appreciated. In other words, the narcissist feels most comfortable with a dancing companion who matches up with their self-absorbed and boldly selfish dance style. Narcissist dancers are able to maintain the direction of the dance because they always find partners who lack self-worth, confidence and who have low self-esteem — codependents. With such a well-matched companion, they are able to control both the dancer and the dance.

Although all codependent dancers desire harmony and balance, they consistently sabotage themselves by choosing a partner to whom they are initially attracted, but will ultimately resent. When given a chance to stop dancing with their narcissistic partner and comfortably sit the dance out until someone healthy comes along, they typically choose to continue their dysfunctional dance. They dare not leave their narcissistic dance partner because their lack of self-esteem and self-respect makes them feel like they can do no better. Being alone is the equivalent of feeling lonely, and loneliness is too painful to bear.

Without self-esteem or feelings of personal power, the codependent is incapable of choosing mutually giving and unconditionally loving partners. Their choice of a narcissistic dance partner is connected to their unconscious motivation to find a person who is familiar — someone who is reminiscent of their powerless and, perhaps, traumatic childhood. Sadly, codependents are most likely children of parents who also flawlessly danced the dysfunctional codependent/narcissistic dance. Their fear of being alone, their compulsion to control and fix at any cost, and their comfort in their role as the martyr who is endlessly loving, devoted, and patient, is an extension of their yearning to be loved, respected, and cared for as a child.

Although codependents dream of dancing with an unconditionally loving and affirming partner, they submit to their dysfunctional destiny. Until they decide to heal the psychological wounds that ultimately compel them to dance with their narcissistic dance partners, they will be destined to maintain the steady beat and rhythm of their dysfunctional dance.”

 

Originally posted 2016-10-22 10:36:13.

Mind

The New Codependency – Melody Beattie

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“In Codependent No More, Melody Beattie introduced the world to the term codependency. Now a modern classic, this book established Beattie as a pioneer in self-help literature and endeared her to millions of readers who longed for healthier relationships. Twenty-five years later concepts such as self-care and setting boundaries have become entrenched in mainstream culture. Now Beattie has written a followup volume, The New Codependency, which clears up misconceptions about codependency, identifies how codependent behavior has changed, and provides a new generation with a road map to wellness.

The question remains: What is and what is not codependency? Beattie here reminds us that much of codependency is normal behavior. It’s about crossing lines. There are times we do too much, care too much, feel too little, or overly engage. Feeling resentment after giving is not the same as heartfelt generosity. Narcissism and self-love, enabling and nurturing, and controlling and setting boundaries are not interchangeable terms. In The New Codependency, Beattie explores these differences, effectively invoking her own inspiring story and those of others, to empower us to step out of the victim role forever. Codependency, she shows, is not an illness but rather a series of behaviors that once broken down and analyzed can be successfully combated.

Each section offers an overview of and a series of activities pertaining to a particular behavior — caretaking, controlling, manipulation, denial, repression, etc. — enabling us to personalize our own step-bystep guide to wellness. These sections, in conjunction with a series of tests allowing us to assess the level of our codependent behavior, demonstrate that while it may not seem possible now, we have the power to take care of ourselves, no matter what we are experiencing.

Punctuated with Beattie’s renowned candor and intuitive wisdom, The New Codependency is an owner’s manual to learning to be who we are and gives us the tools necessary to reclaim our lives by renouncing unhealthy practices.” (amazon.com)

Originally posted 2016-10-22 10:31:46.

Mind

Co-Dependency

Co-Dependency

Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.

 

 

“Characteristics of Co-dependent People Are:

  • An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
  • A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue
  • A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time
  • A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts
  • An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment
  • An extreme need for approval and recognition
  • A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
  • A compelling need to control others
  • Lack of trust in self and/or others
  • Fear of being abandoned or alone
  • Difficulty identifying feelings
  • Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
  • Problems with intimacy/boundaries
  • Chronic anger
  • Lying/dishonesty
  • Poor communications
  • Difficulty making decisions”

Originally posted 2016-10-21 20:13:25.

Mind, Rejection & Vulnerability

The Power of Vulnerability – Brene Brown

Brene Brown - The Power of Vulnerability
Click Here to Watch TED Talk Brene Brown – The Power of Vulnerability
Brene Brown The Power of Vulnerability
Brene Brown The Power of Vulnerability (audiobook or book)

The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings on Authenticity, Connection and Courage

It is so easy to be in our comfort zone and not make ourselves be vulnerable.   It is so uncomfortable to be seen at times.

Putting yourself out there and not worrying about what people think is a challenge for many people.

This book really teaches you to “show up and let yourself be seen”.   Brene Brown helps you understand, through her journey, how to live wholeheartedly with purpose.

If you want to learn how to live more freely and less vulnerable, read this book.

-Rosemary


Show Up and Let Yourself be Seen

Is vulnerability the same as weakness? “In our culture,” teaches Dr. Brené Brown, “we associate vulnerability with emotions we want to avoid such as fear, shame, and uncertainty. Yet we too often lose sight of the fact that vulnerability is also the birthplace of joy, belonging, creativity, authenticity, and love.” On The Power of Vulnerability, Dr. Brown offers an invitation and a promise – that when we dare to drop the armor that protects us from feeling vulnerable, we open ourselves to the experiences that bring purpose and meaning to our lives. Here she dispels the cultural myth that vulnerability is weakness and reveals that it is, in truth, our most accurate measure of courage.

The Power of Vulnerability is a very personal project for me,” Brené explains. “This is the first place that all of my work comes together. This audio course draws from all three of my books – it’s the culmination of everything I’ve learned over the past twelve years. I’m very excited to weave it all into a truly comprehensive form that shows what these findings and insights can mean in our lives.”

Guidance and Insights for Wholehearted Living

Over the past twelve years, Dr. Brené Brown has interviewed hundreds of people as part of an ongoing study of vulnerability. “The research shows that we try to ward disappointment with a shield of cynicism, disarm shame by numbing ourselves against joy, and circumvent grief by shutting off our willingness to love,” explains Dr. Brown. When we become aware of these patterns, she teaches, we begin to become conscious of how much we sacrifice in the name of self-defense -and how much richer our lives become when we open ourselves to vulnerability.

“In my research,” Dr. Brown says, “the word I use to describe people who can live from a place of vulnerability is wholehearted.” Being wholehearted is a practice—one that we can choose to cultivate through empathy, gratitude, and awareness of our vulnerability armor. Join this engaging and heartfelt teacher on The Power of Vulnerability as she offers profound insights on leaning into the full spectrum of emotions—so we can show up, let ourselves be seen, and truly be all in.

HIGHLIGHTS

  • Cultivating shame resilience—the key to developing a sense of worth and belonging.
  • Vulnerability as the origin point for innovation, adaptability, accountability, and visionary leadership.
  • Our emotional armory – how we use perfectionism, numbing, and other tactics to avoid feeling vulnerable.
  • The myths of vulnerability – common misconceptions about weakness, trust, and self-sufficiency.
  • Discovering your vulnerability armor – recognizing what makes us shut down, and how we can change.
  • The 10 guideposts of wholehearted living – essential skills for becoming fully engaged in life.
  • Six hours of stories, warm humor, and transformative insights for living a life of courage, authenticity, and compassion from Dr. Brené Brown.” (audible.com)

 

Brene Brown The Power of Vulnerability
Brene Brown The Power of Vulnerability

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it.  Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy – the experiences that make us the most vulnerable.  Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”  Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection

Brene Brown The Power of Vulnerability

Brene Brown The Power of Vulnerability

“Daring greatly means the courage to BE VULNERABLE.  It means to show up and be seen.  To ask for what you need.  To talk about how you’re feeling.  To have the hard conversations.”  Brene Brown

 

Originally posted 2016-06-04 16:06:23.

Mind

What is Anxiety?

Anxiety | Psychology Today

Anxiety is a normal reaction to stressful situations. But in some cases, it becomes excessive and can cause sufferers to dread everyday situations.

“What Is Anxiety?

Anxiety is a normal reaction to stressful situations. But in some cases, it becomes excessive and can cause sufferers to dread everyday situations.

This type of steady, all-over anxiety is called Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Other anxiety-related disorders include panic attacks—severe episodes of anxiety which happen in response to specific triggers—and obsessive-compulsive disorder, which is marked by persistent intrusive thoughts or compulsions to carry out specific behaviors (such as hand-washing).”

Originally posted 2016-10-18 22:32:46.

Law of Attraction, Mind

The Power – Rhonda Byrne

The Power - Rhonda Byrne
The Power – Rhonda Byrne

The Power (The Secret)

 

The Secret revealed the law of attraction. Now Rhonda Byrne reveals the greatest power in the universe: The Power to have anything you want.

In this book you will come to understand that all it takes is just one thing to change your relationships, money, health, happiness, career, and your entire life.

Every discovery, invention, and human creation comes from The Power. Perfect health, incredible relationships, a career you love, a life filled with happiness, and the money you need to be, do, and have everything you want, all come from The Power.

The life of your dreams has always been closer to you than you realized, because The Power – to have everything good in your life – is inside you.

To create anything, to change anything, all it takes is just one thing – The Power.”

Originally posted 2016-06-04 15:54:53.

Law of Attraction, Mind

Hero – Rhonda Byrne

Hero - Rhonda Byrne
Hero – Rhonda Byrne

Hero (The Secret)

“From Rhonda Byrne, creator of the international bestselling movie and book, The Secret, comes HERO, her latest world-changing project and the most important to date.

FROM ZERO TO HERO… YOUR SECRET MAP TO A RICH LIFE

What is your true calling and why aren’t you already living it?
Imagine if there was a map that showed you step by step how to get from where you are now to your true calling and the life you were born to live – the most brilliant, rich, fulfilling, and dazzling life you could ever dream of. You are holding in your hands such a map. HERO is the map for your life.

By following the journeys of twelve of the most successful people on the planet today, you’ll learn how to use your inner powers to overcome obstacles and to make impossible dreams come true. You’ll be inspired to find your own calling and start taking the steps toward making the life of your dreams an everyday reality. Be the hero you are meant to be.” (audible.com)

Originally posted 2016-06-04 15:59:23.

Law of Attraction, Mind

The Secret – Rhonda Byrne

The Secret - Rhonda Byrne
The Secret – Rhonda Byrne

The Secret

I had listened to The Secret at some point in my life and for some reason it did not capture me the way I expected.   After a few years I was re-introduced to The Secret and I was ready this time to really listen.   You see sometimes in our lives we are not ready to learn certain things.   We could be frustrated or we are just not receptive.   That is okay.

“When the student is ready the teach will appear” I live by this quote because it is so true.   You must be ready for the learning to absorb it.

I recommend you watch the netflix version because it visually shows you what this book is about.

-Rosemary


“It has been passed down through the ages, highly coveted, hidden, lost, stolen, and bought for vast sums of money. Fragments of this Great Secret have been found in the oral traditions, in literature, in religions and philosophies throughout the centuries. It has been understood by some of the most prominent people in history: Plato, Galileo, Beethoven, Edison, Carnegie, and Einstein, along with other renowned inventors, theologians, scientists, and great thinkers.
For the first time, all the pieces of the Secret come together in an incredible revelation that will be life transforming for all who experience it.

 

In this audiobook you will discover the Secret, and you will learn how to have, do, or be anything you want. You will learn how to use the Secret in every area of your life. You will hear from modern-day teachers – men and women who have used the Secret to achieve health, prosperity, relationships, and happiness. They share their incredible stories of using the Secret to eradicate disease, acquire massive wealth, overcome obstacles, and achieve what many would regard as impossible. Through them, you will begin to understand the hidden, untapped power that is within you, and the true magnificence that awaits you.” (audible.com)

 

You can watch it on Netflix – The Secret Rhonda Byrne

Originally posted 2016-06-04 15:53:14.

Mind

What is Meditation?

Meditation – Wikipedia

The term meditation refers to a broad variety of practices that includes techniques designed to promote relaxation, build internal energy or life force (, , , etc.) and develop compassion, love, patience, generosity, and forgiveness. A particularly ambitious form of meditation aims at effortlessly sustained single-pointed concentration meant to enable its practitioner to enjoy an indestructible sense of well-being while engaging in any life activity.

 

Originally posted 2017-07-11 05:18:52.

Mind

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder – Psychology Today

https://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder

 

Definition

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is an anxiety disorder that may develop after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal in which severe physical harm occurred or was threatened. Traumatic events that may trigger PTSD include violent personal assaults, natural or unnatural disasters, accidents, or military combat.

Anyone who has gone through a life-threatening event can develop PTSD including military troops who served in wars; rescue workers for catastrophes like the 2001 terrorist attacks on New York City and Washington, D.C.; survivors of the Oklahoma City bombing; survivors of accidents, rape, physical or sexual abuse, and other crimes; immigrants fleeing violence in their countries; survivors of earthquakes, floods, and hurricanes; and those who witness traumatic events. Family members of victims can develop the disorder as well.

PTSD affects about 7.7 million American adults, but it can occur at any age, including childhood. Women are more likely to develop the disorder than men, and there is some evidence that it may run in families. PTSD is frequently accompanied by depression, substance abuse, or anxiety disorders. When other conditions are appropriately diagnosed and treated, the likelihood of successful treatment increases.

Roughly 30 percent of Vietnam veterans developed PTSD. The disorder also has been detected in as many as 10% of Gulf War (Desert Storm) veterans, about 6% to 11% of veterans of the Afghanistan war, and about 12% to 20% of veterans of the Iraq war.

Other factors in a combat situation can add more stress to an already stressful situation and may contribute to PTSD and other mental health problems. These factors include what you do in the war, the politics around the war, where it’s fought, and the type of enemy you face. Another cause of PTSD in the military can be military sexual trauma (MST). This is any sexual harassment or sexual assault that occurs while you are in the military. MST can happen to men and women and can occur during peacetime, training, or war. Among veterans using VA health care, about 23 out of 100 women (23%) reported sexual assault when in the military, 55 out of 100 women (55%) and 38 out of 100 men (38%) have experienced sexual harassment when in the military.

PTSD is diagnosed when the stress symptoms following exposure have persisted for at least a month. When symptoms develop immediately after exposure, the condition may be called acute stress disorder.

Complex PTSD

Complex PTSD, also known as disorder of extreme stress, is found among individuals who have been exposed to prolonged traumatic circumstances, especially during childhood, such as childhood sexual abuse. Research shows that many brain and hormonal changes may occur as a result of early, prolonged trauma, and contribute to troubles with learning, memory, and regulating emotions. Combined with a disruptive, abusive home environment, these brain and hormonal changes may contribute to severe behavioral difficulties such as eating disorders, impulsivity, aggression, inappropriate sexual behavior, alcohol or drug abuse, and other self-destructive actions, as well as emotional regulation (such as intense rage, depression, or panic) and mental difficulties (such as scattered thoughts, dissociation, and amnesia). As adults, these individuals often are diagnosed with depressive disorders, personality disorders, or dissociative disorders. Treatment may progress at a much slower rate, and requires a sensitive and structured program delivered by a trauma specialist.” (PsychologyToday.com)

Originally posted 2016-10-17 06:32:28.

Mind, Videos

Trauma-Related Disorders – PTSD

Trauma-Related Disorders: Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder & Acute Stress Disorder – Video & Lesson Transcript | Study.com

History is full of bizarre reports. Ancient soldiers would go blind despite no physical injury. Shakespeare wrote of maladies afflicting warriors and kings, where their mind began to churn and broil without any injury. In the U.S. Civil War, many of the soldiers coming home had difficulties in the field or returning to their normal lives.

Originally posted 2016-10-17 06:28:20.